Wednesday, 30 May 2007

Control and....forgiveness - AGAIN!

To my lovely friends who ‘read between the lines’ I’m ok, this has been helpful.
To my lovely friends, and the rest of the world who I don’t know, that this might help come to some conclusions, fill your boots!

What prompts us to hold onto things after the cause has:
just gone
moved away,
apparently been forgotten
said sorry but didn’t really mean it, in our opinion,
or even died?

My intension was to post purely about CONTROL but it occurred to me that our desire to control ourselves, situations, relationship etc.etc, is possibly/ quite probably a symptom of something else that is eating away at us, but that we just can’t begin to or just don’t want to rationalise, vocalise, visualise. Also, I don’t think that I have enough experience of it if I’m honest, and looking at my question, I can see that the conclusion of this blog is not going to be at all fulfilling unless I go somewhere dark and murky first .

I don’t put myself into the set of people known as Control Freaks and I don’t think many people who know me would say that I am controlling or even am in control for much of the time.

I am a reactive kind of person, it’s very freeing, almost a relinquishing of responsibility really, and am not proud of that either. I am intentionally training myself to have more of a plan, not just for my day to day work, but for my day to day LIFE, so I have the intention to be more in control, but the desire to be in control eludes me.

I wonder if that’s because, at the end of the day
I don’t want to be responsible when it all goes wrong!!
See…. a dark and murky place.

*1 Funny though, that I beat myself up frequently, because so often I think that it all goes wrong anyway, so there must be some other reason that control eludes me.
*1Added after 50th proof read

This post is an exercise in CONTROL. I am typing it in WORD first, rather than just rattling it off as a quick post and I have to say, that it’s quite an enlightening, if actually alarming way of exploring an issue. It will make for a long posting though.

During my NVQ course I touched minutely on Child Psychology and one of the theories is that the adult characteristics we grow into, are as a direct result of the events we experienced as a child – it’s not Brain Surgery*2, to see that, in many cases, that’s true – might not be true for everybody but it probably is and there we have it:

Isn’t that what control is about?
Modifying our behaviour to mask or deny what’s really the issue.

*2The traditional comparison here might be ‘it’s not Rocket Science’, but it has been pointed out to me that Rocket Science is actually quite easy – equal and opposite forces, thrust and fuel, whereas Brain Surgery is actually much harder. In my imaginary world where everything revolves around me, and everyone in the world reads my blog, doctors will now adore me, physicists will not – ho hum.

So, as the topic of forgiveness seems to be one that continues to pepper my thoughts, posting and comments on other people’s blogs, I’m wondering if being able to forgive, or actually being unable to forgive, is something that becomes the cement in a wall that we build around ourselves to keep control.

As a person who really doesn’t have the time to explore many complex issues (‘That’s an excuse!’ I hear all you psychologists in the world who are monitoring my blog shout), maybe that’s my externally imposed control…yeah, a posh phrase for EXCUSE. I don’t want to explore complex issues, so I’ll get married *3, have 3 children and a variety of pets, think about maintaining a long garden, have a job that’s mental at times, be active in my church and get a blog.

*3 It was our 19th wedding anniversary on the 28th May, and for Keith’s prezzie, I taught him how to create a blog – he’s ever so grateful.

So, I think that actually, forgiveness is an issue, not just for me, but for lots of people, and there are SO many ways of dealing with the consequences of needing some kind of forgiveness or being able to be forgiving, but just not being able to become vulnerable enough to ‘go there’ .

So at the end of this posting, I have discovered that the actual issue for me is it that when push comes to shove, I just don’t like confrontation, so someone says ‘sorry’, in a round about way, and I say ‘that’s ok’ when actually it isn’t, life goes on and XYZ years later…it still comes up sometimes.

( I won’t be pre - posting in word again by the way, far too scary )

Monday, 28 May 2007

Keith's Got a Blog!

It's true - check out the link on the blogs that I browse.

Sunday, 27 May 2007

Go on,it is Bank Holiday!

Ok, I have been tagged - thanks Kirsty!

My tag: 'Put the mango flesh and banana into your blender and wizz for 30 seconds'

Here's is what this is about - the rules:
Grab the book closest to you
Turn to page 161
Print the 5th complete sentence on your blog
Tag 5 others.

I tag Glyn, Andy, Matt L, Becks and Bec

Friday, 25 May 2007

Just a quick one.

I had a response from Mars, as I'm guessing many of you might have who sent them the mail below, or a variation of it, and they directed me to a few websites that indicate Mars is active in WORKING TOWARDS bettering the opportunities of the cocoa farmers, helping sustain the enviroment and monitor the treatment of the people and children that work on the plantations.

They have been involved in this for nearly 10 years now, but it still happens.

It will be ok in the end and if it's not OK then it's not the end ( Unknown)

So because it's not OK , I didn't buy chocolate in the garage yesterday evening, because I couldn't be sure that I wasn't going to inadvertently undermine 'Stop The Traffik'.

It's not OK, so I'm going to really try much harder than I have up to this point.

Here's The Good Chocolate Guide for those of us that need to get up to speed with this.

Wednesday, 23 May 2007


This has been taken from Lard's Blog ( the painter at Roots!)

Spread the word and DO THIS :)

Please excuse the mass email but wanted to see if you wanted to help raise your voice on the issue of chocolate made with slave labour? You are all aware of the chocolate campaign being run by Stop the Traffik. You may also have heard about the latest scandal with MARS UK and the use of animal extracts in their chocolate that has outraged vegetarians. The response of just 6000 emails has caused MARS UK to change their production methods and use only vegetable extracts. Imagine what would happen if they responded to even more pressure about slave free chocolate.
My response was triggered by a full page ad in the METRO this morning which had a letter from Fiona Dawson who is the MD of MARS UK. In the letter she states ‘the consumer is our boss’ and ‘we made a mistake. we apologise’. She also goes onto say that ‘being sorry isn’t enough’ and that therefore they commit to changing.
I have written the email to her below and wondered if you would also join me in emailing on this issue. You can either adapt the email I sent or send one from the stop the traffik website. It’s up to you - but it would be great if you did take action.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. Speak to you soon.– Fiona DawsonManaging DirectorMars UK

Dear Fiona,

Following your full page letter in the METRO today I was very encouraged to see that MARS had taken customer concerns into account to such an extent as to admit that you were wrong. This is a brave step and one that you should be applauded for. Most admirable is the sincere response to customer concern whom you have termed as ‘your boss’.

It is in this vein that I wondered if you would also consider changing the source of your cocoa. You will be aware, as are the BCCCA that over 12,000 children have been trafficked into the ivory coast to work on cocoa plantations (source UN). Nearly half of the world’s chocolate is sourced from cocoa harvested in the Ivory Coast. It is these child chocolate slaves that are producing the chocolate that is no doubt included in at least some of your products.

I am hoping that MARS UK will, in stating that the consumer is ‘their boss’ also add the slave free guarantee to it’s products, responding to the expressed desire of it’s customers, who are apparently at the forefront of your production focus.

Will you guarantee that your chocolate is not only suitable for vegetarians to consume but also free of the blood, sweat and tears of trafficked children as well? I sincerely hope so.

Thanks you for your open door to dialogue and your promise of honesty and integrity. I look forward to hearing from you soon.


Thank you

Tuesday, 22 May 2007

No Comment?

I am a Visual Kinesthetic and if there was a planet called Kinesthesia or Kinesthetia, I would live there.In fact some might think I already am on another planet, but that's kind of part of the the symptom of being a kinesthetic ( I have to type that REALLY slowly!)

A visual kinesthetic person is one learns well when there is something to do and look at, who responds to questions like - How do you feel? What do you feel about that? How did that make you feel? and Richards current fave - What does it LOOK like for you, what do you see etc.

I am a 'touchy - feely' and an almighty feedback junky, so WHY my last post didn't allow comments, I really don't know.

I wasn't being enigmatic or mysterious, I wasn't afraid that all the gardeners in the world might want to defend themselves and I'm sorry that there was no opportunity to respond.

Please feel free to use this posting to comment on the previous one if you would like.
The picture? Just wanted to see what it looked like really :)

Sunday, 20 May 2007


1)Conflict and Forgiveness

So tonight we watched that Nooma classic 'Breathe' and I thought - Oh I loved this when I saw it before, God really spoke to me - the whole 'God is in' thought stream came from that.I was looking forward to it.

But this time I was challenged about the people in my church who I just really don't see eye to eye with.God is in them ,but they will always misunderstand me and I will always misunderstand them because we are now so far away from each other that unless one of us makes the effort, we will never be in a position to ask what each other meant by what we said and did - or didn't apparently do.

I think God really wants me to make that move and because God is God, I really believe He is preparing those 'Others' , but I'm still dead scared. I'm scared that this is part of God's plan and unless it happens, He won't be able to fully bless our church because some of us just aren't ready.

2) Performance and Maintainance

We had to get our PC fixed and lately, as I have logged on, a screen called Performance and Mainaintance comes up and because I don't understand I just click 'close' and get on with what I want to do. I want to perform without being bothered with the maintainance. Sometimes I don't get the time to do the proper spiritual maintainance. I run a diagnostic which I don't really need to think about - it just happens. It's a cause of tension.( sorry to all the peeps who understand computers and theology, this analogy is probably irritating and over simplified)

3)Gardening and Weeding.

I was kidding myself yesterday when I told a friend that I was Gardening. I wasn't, I was weeding and tearing up and throwing away. I went to Homebase to buy some shears so I could really get to work and saw all these pretty kneeling pads and little forks and trowels and secatuers. Tools for people who's garden just needs tweaking and dead- heading.

We had to go to the tip - we did industrial over turning yesterday. Gardening is for wimps !

Wednesday, 16 May 2007

For the Children that know they are loved.

You're a little ray of Heaven, you're a golden ray of light.
And I wish I could protect you from the worries of this life.
But if there's one thing I could tell you,
It's, 'No matter what you do, hold to Jesus,
He's holding on to you'.

The world will try to tell you that might is more than right,
That beauty's on the outside, and being good's a loosing fight.
But remember what I've told you, because the world will make you choose.
Hold to Jesus, he's holding on to you.

Hold on to Jesus, cling to His love,
Rest deep in His mercy, whenever things get rough.
Don't loose sight of His goodness and don't ever doubt this truth,
That when you hold on to Jesus, He's holding on to you.

Hear me dear Jesus, rock this little one to sleep.
Keep her close when she's scared and give her grace when she's weak.
I know she'll stumble, but I know she'll make it through
If you hold to her just like you said you'd do.
Hold her Jesus, so she'll hold on tight to you.

Brad O'Donnell


I wanted to call this blog - 'For Maddy', but I couldn't.
I thought I might have called it 'For The Children' and then I thought of all the thousands that are trafficked.

There are some children that I just don't have the words to pray for. Thank God for the Holy Spirit who can translate my hopeless, helpless nothing, into what I hope, is a powerful heart cry.

Tuesday, 15 May 2007

I'm back!!

Oh man, so much catching up to do, so much to tell!

For example - I got a new phone for £25 and NO it wasn't out of the boot of Matt White's car!Apparently he made a small fortune selling Roots OTHERS sponge hands that way - all proceeds to Roots of course, NOT his birthday fund.

Also, I had a photo taken doing 57mph in a 40mph zone, so am officially a CRIM!

I have read 'Darkest England and the Way Back In' and nearly finished 'Others', and checked out 'Others Inc' too.

We had a small fire in our kitchen - all the training went to pot and I found myself flapping about saying/shouting 'It's a real FIRE' which was helpful for those people in the house who thought it might have been a pretend one.

Got the car serviced at last.

Got Thomas to finish his book report.

Getting head down this week for the Parent and Toddler Training Day on Thursday - we've got 40 people coming - I'm very chuffed!

Got the PC fixed - I think. Can't get on INcredimal to pick up emails, so if you have mailed me, sorry that I haven't replied. Fact is, I couldn't/still can't.

Roots - honestly I couldn't begin to comment effectively.God was/ IS Good. It was great to feel part of something huge. I didn't feel it was just about ME which was very reassuring and having skimmed all my blog buddies mails, what I find exciting is that we all seemed to get a significant something that when put together could....'be the start, of something new...lalalalalala'

Grace - big lessons in that this week. Why are some people just so awkward, even when you try to love them through stuff, have a big heart, be generous, explode with random acts of kindness?

Thursday, 3 May 2007

Top Ten Arch Rivals

Tom and Jerry

He Man and Skeletor

Batman and the Joker, or is the Penguin?

Superman and Lex Luthor or is it Kryptonite?

Harry Potter and You Know Who.

Elyse and Thomas ( we're gonna be in the car for goodness knows HOW long tomorrow after a long day - we will all be scathed, I can assure you!)

Arsenal and Tottenham - it's a fundamental thing

Chelsea and everyone

Ali and Forman

BBC Radio One and Capital

I invite you to enlighten me or provide your own list - all my own work I hasten to add, just checked google for the Rumble in the Jungle between Ali and........( google)...Foreman