It's been so long since I blogged that I had actually forgotten for a moment, how to write a post!
I am on a bit of a journey, have been for a number of months, and finding myself in a place I don't like and am not used to being in - that of feeling overwhelmed. My closest and best are gently 'telling me so'- not in as many words, apart from my mum who said,' Well, we've been telling you for a long time' and not in a nasty way either, but THEY DID tell me so and have, as my mum rightly says, been telling me so for a long time.
So I have to admit to having had a bit of a wallow from time to time, pulling myself together and getting into a vicious circle, but today, in the midst of a reflective wallow that went a bit like this..:
If I had more time I would be more organised.
If I had more time I would be better prepared.
If I had more time I would be working out of rest.
If I had more time I would be on top of the ironing.
If I had more time I would be the owner of a tidy and well maintained house.
If I had more time I would be a more effective mum.
If I had more time I would be a more loving wife.
If I had more time I would be a better friend.
If I had more time I would be better at building relationships with my neighbours.
If I had more time I would be the maintainer of a vegetable patch.
....I had a bit of an epiphany that went a bit like this:
If I had more time I would be.........thoughts trailed off.... and a question came....the person that God created me to be?
Surely not, surely I don't need more time to be that,because I already am the person that God created me to be.
But at the moment I'm not, because I'm wallowing and I'm not worshipping.
I'm re-reading a few chapters from John Ortberg's book, 'If you Want to Walk On Water You've Got to Get Out of The Boat'. I'm getting a bit of a telling off this time. Last time I read it I was ready to get out of the boat, this time I'm not, mainly because I'm not sure where I should be walking to...other than towards Jesus of course!
So the epiphany was prompted by this found on page 196:
'I need to worship
I need to worship because without it I can forget that I have a Great Big God beside me and I live in fear.
I need to worship because without it I can forget his calling and begin to live in a spirit of self -preoccupation.
I need to worship because without it. I lose a sence of wonder and gratitiude and plod through life with blinders on.
I need to worship because my natural tendancy is towards self reliance and stubborn independance.'
How well John Ortberg seems to know me!
I need to worship because my 'If' list does not start with the important thing, it starts with the Task Related things, the Doing and NOT the Being. Basically,I know that if I had more time, I would just DO more stuff and God knows that too.
I have put myself in this place and it's painful, but I know God will and is using it - nothing is wasted, as I so often tell other people.
So I think I am turning from a Wallower to a Worshipper, which is easy to say on a sunny afternoon in the the garden, and I know I will be tested and soon, but it is a positive move and I am thankful to God for 'passing by' this afternoon and opening my heart and my ears to his still small voice and I had the time to hear it.